I want to start with a question; Do you feel guilty when you are unproductive or restful?

I know for me my answer to that question is often a hard yes. It's so hard to allow myself to rest, especially when I compare what my day looks like to others. And for me, it's been this way for a long while. Productivity is weaved into our culture; and has become weaved into my identity. It's become a way that I define my worthiness and health, and a way to avoid shame I feel. 

My senior year I fell sick with a psycho-neurological disorder that quite literally left me unable to do anything but rest. Anytime my brain was overwhelmed it shut off; and it was so frustrating. Even in that season I fought to not rest, and grew an even deeper shame and resentment for rest. After I was healed (Praise God!), I avoided rest at all costs. Rest served as a reminder for my brokenness, a time when I was sick. I was so ashamed, and never wanted to be seen in that light ever again. “I must fend for myself and prove I am doing well” became a mindset that I lived in. Rest within myself and when no one was watching even felt wrong. I decided to do everything in my power not to rest, and I got angry when I inevitably did. 

Before I continue this story, I want to take a brief moment to define a very important term in the bible; Sabbath. Sabbath is a time of rest, worship, and spiritual renewal. And sabbath is good, so much so that we are commanded to sabbath. Exodus 20:8-10 says, “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.” (this is one of the 10 commandments given by Moses). What God commands of us is good and holy, and this does not exclude sabbath. 

Each week as a part of the World Race we are to take sabbath. The day is set aside to spend time intentionally resting with the Lord, and finding rejuvenation in him. While this looks different for each person the mindset of "tarrying" (or to linger) with the Lord and his goodness remains at the forefront. 

Here in Kenya much of our time thus far has been slow and unscheduled. As challenging as this can be at times, it is truly such a gift from this Lord. This has given our team the opportunity to take the sabbath mindset outside of just one day, and “tarry” with the Lord and his goodness with frequency. In this time I have been learning what it looks like to sit and hear the Lord's voice (something I am still learning in great amount). I have also been given the gift to sit in reflection with the Lord in new ways.

Reflecting back on my season of sickness my senior year, I can recognize just how hard rest has become for me. While it's a slow process of learning how to enjoy and have gratitude and compassion for rest, it's something I am definitely growing in. Each day I get to choose to release the lies that tell me rest (in appropriate amount) is bad. And as I embrace the slowness of this season, culture, and community, I’ve gotten countless opportunities to sit in gratitude for the goodness of God. I am grateful for the group of girls who I get to share countless giggles and dances and joy with every evening. I am grateful for having what seems like the only patch of green grass in all of Kenya just outside our door. I am grateful for the crisp views of Mount Kenya (a 17,000 ft mountain) out our window every morning. I am grateful for the constant wind that blows through the bowl we sit in because it keeps the air cool. I am grateful for my team and the time we get to spend growing closer to one another. 

To Tarry is not to lollygag or laze, but to linger (in God's goodness). I pray I will never feel guilty for tarrying, and I pray you don't either. Sabbath was made for man, because rest is good and allows us space to be grateful, quiet, and renewed. Thank you God for bringing me space to rest. 

Prayer Requests:

• We are currently at a home for girls (& one sweet boy), and I ask that you would be praying for each of these incredible children, and the home itself as the team here are working to grow their ministry into a school!

• The reality of being in a different culture is we stand out; and not always in the best way. The historical background of this place means that we are often viewed as more powerful, or above others in the community. Please be praying that the people we meet will view themselves as equals, and that the good news we share would work to shape their identity as a fearfully and wonderfully made creation of God. 

• Please pray for my team as we continue to grow more gratitude for rest and slowness. 

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. I wanted to share that (at least the team with me) has mostly recovered from the sicknesses that were going around, and I am glad to report we are all doing well!